The Apology

Today I heard something incredibly moving. It’s not something we hear often and it is probably something that we should hear a lot more. It was an apology. And it moved me to write this blog.

A man, Fernando, called in to the radio this afternoon because he had done something that he was not proud of.

He began by telling the story of his friend’s funeral yesterday. His friend had died in a motorbike accident because he was run off the road by a driver who was talking on his cellphone while driving. Fernando’s friend was riding with his son when he was knocked down. The son survived but his Dad suffered extensive brain damage and died. Fernando’s voice shook with emotion as he described how much his friend had meant to him and how this senseless loss had impacted him. His grief was palpable.

As I listened to Fernando speak, I was thinking – in his emotional state, surely it could be understandable that he had done something he now regrets?

He continued his story by telling us listeners that after the funeral, on his way home, another driver nearly drove into him while she was chatting on her cell phone. His emotions – grief, anger and frustration – just got the better of him. At the next robot, both cars landed up stopping next to each other. He got out of his car and starting screaming at the other driver. He banged on her window and shouted profanities. This was the moment he was not proud of. Through his cloud of grief, he noticed the panicked look on the woman’s face and immediately felt bad for what he had done. At that stage she had driven off leaving him feeling that he needed to find a way to make amends for his behaviour. Remembering that he heard her radio playing the same music that his radio was playing at the time, he called into that same radio station and asked for forgiveness. His voice was filled with regret. He understood that no matter what he was going through, his behaviour was unjustified. Feeling sorry for what he had done was not enough of an action for Fernando. He actually phoned in to the radio station and asked forgiveness of this lady, hoping she would be listening to the same radio station today.

I was moved to tears listening to Fernando’s story. It is a story filled with sadness, grief and courage. Fernando was able to admit his mistake in public, to many listeners, in the hope that he would connect with the one person who needed to hear it. That is power beyond description and its impact is far-reaching.

As I listened to this call, I thought of the many times where I had the thought – let me just make this one quick call even when my car kit hadn’t yet connect to my phone. Or while idling at a robot, sending off a quick text message. How often does it happen that we don’t quite finish typing that message when the robot turns green and just “quickly” finish as we pull off? How often do we hear the beep of a message coming in and say to ourselves “let me quickly read it in case it’s urgent?”

In Fernando’s words… what can be more urgent than someone’s life? Pull over and do what you need to do. Then, drive on.

Fernando, your message was one of absolute courage and power. First to admit your mistake and then to apologise for it. With your act of courage, you also impacted many listeners that day, me included, who will think twice about puling out our phones while we’re driving. We’ve also learnt the power and value of a heartfelt apology.

Thank you for your strong message and for your courage. We can all learn from you. My condolences for your loss. May you find peace and joy again soon.

Women in Leadership - Speaking Out!

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Being an executive coach and an actuary puts me in a unique position. As an actuary, I’m assumed to have a workable level of financial knowledge and as a coach, I’m assumed to be able to guide people to certain levels of understanding, knowledge and awareness. Putting the two together creates an interesting dynamic around creating awareness about finances, our emotional relationship to money and a whole host of how to’s relating to financial savvy. The demographic that seems to require the most input in this area is women… and guess what? I’m a woman too! Putting all this together, often leads people to asking me why I don’t niche myself in this area?

The truth is that when I first went into coaching, that was the niche that struck me as an obvious link between my previous career and this one. You know – a South African Suze Orman of sorts. Yet, I haven’t done it and more importantly I haven’t wanted to do it.

The question I asked myself was – Why? Why don’t I want to create a niche that seems to be a much needed area of development and that I am well placed to do? I’ve given this quite some thought over time and when I came across Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean-In, I had my answer. Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, has written a book about what’s holding women back in the workplace. She gives interesting stats about how things haven’t really changed with the times and looks at some of the reasons why, moving away from the traditional arguments about glass ceilings and the like. Her reasoning is that women should embrace success, go for what they want and not fear being direct, forthright, ambitious and confident. The key idea is that – yes – society has a certain way in which it views women, but women have bought into it, lock stock and barrel.

This book was a light-bulb moment for me; it resonated on a deep level. I don’t want to buy into the story that society created about how we view women. I want to create my own story! And so should every other woman on this earth. So this one is for you, woman, what is your purpose? What do you dream of? And what will it take to make it happen?

I’ve seen women being complimented on things they do well and what do they say?

Oh, it was nothing

Really, you think it was good?

No, you do it so much better

Oh! Stop please!

Sounds familiar? How about saying thank you – yes, that took a lot of work and I’m glad it paid off.

In my coaching practice, when working with women, if it happens that I highlight that my client is so busy taking care of everyone else that she isn’t taking care of herself, I get the standard answer – I don’t want to be selfish. I’ve never heard a man say that.

We are buying into the story of feeling uncomfortable with our own power so that we can’t accept compliments easily. We think that taking care of our own needs and going for success is being selfish. Those are some of the things that may be reinforced by society but if we women take them on and start living within this story, we only have ourselves to blame.

Now, I know that I’m generalising and that every person is different. But, for me, creating a niche of working with women on their financial savvy is just buying into a story that women don’t/can’t/won’t take charge of their own finances.

This is a call to all women – take charge of your life, your destiny and your power. In Sheryl Sandberg’s words… Lean In! Now that is a message I resonate with.

A little voice from heaven... This one's for you, Bruce!

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My previous blog post – I am Done! (blogpost: I-am-Done) seems to have resonated with many. I keep getting messages about how much people could relate to this post and how this particular article challenged them to think about what they are done with… Thanks for the feedback guys, it means a lot!

In this blog, I want to reflect on one piece of feedback that I received that made my day. After a particularly long day that ended with a challenging call from someone close to me, offering what seemed like criticism on something I had done, I put the phone down, only to hear it ring again. The first thought that ran through my mind was… shew! When is this going to end? On the other side of the line, I heard an unfamiliar voice who said – is this Daphna? I’m not sure if you’ll remember me but I’m Bruce, we met a couple of years ago. Of course I remembered Bruce straight away - we had met briefly and chatted about coaching more than two years back. Bruce then went on to tell me that he felt compelled to call me after reading an article I had written that he really enjoyed. He understood that people often write without knowing who is reading and what the impact of our writing is and he felt moved to call me to give me his feedback. I was blown away that he had made this effort and I asked which article it was that he was referring to? He immediately said – the one called ‘I am done!’ He continued to say that this article had caused him to think about his own circumstances and that he was ready to take up the challenge of ‘what are you done with?’ He said some beautiful and encouraging words and eventually we ended the call hoping that our paths would cross again in future.

There are two aspects to Bruce’s call that meant so much to me and caused me to reflect.

The first aspect was that his call came at a real low point in my day when I felt that I was dealing with a whole lot of nonsense that was just being thrown at me – one thing after another. When I paused to reflect on the sequence of events, I truly saw this as a little voice from heaven reminding me of my own words – I am done! I immediately realised that I could choose what to take on and what not to. There were elements of my day that were mine to sort through and there were elements of my day that I was throwing right back to the thrower! I am done with that! And the message came with impeccable timing.

Lets all begin to notice those messages that seem to come just at the right moment to remind us of something important we may have forgotten. Everyone gets their own little voice from heaven.

The second aspect was that here was Bruce, reading an article on the internet that he enjoyed but he didn’t stop at that. He went on to make a call to pay a compliment to the writer – moi! How often do we stop what we’re doing to pay a compliment to someone else for something that they did really well? From the way I felt, I can tell you that Bruce’s gesture meant the world to me – so why don’t we do this more often? And… when someone does pay us a compliment, how often do we brush it off and think – they don’t really mean it, it wasn’t a big deal! At the very least we can stop to appreciate the complimentor’s efforts and intention. A further step would be to give more compliments ourselves. Go out and begin telling people what you appreciate about them.

Thank you, Bruce, for reminding me of the power of a compliment, for taking the time and effort to make that call and for being the little voice from heaven, reminding me of exactly what I needed to remember at that moment!

I am done.

Time Elasticity - Huh?

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Have you noticed how time never seems equal in different situations? For example, when you're in the flow of doing an activity that you truly love and are fully engaged in, an hour can pass by as if it was only a minute. Yet, when you're sitting in a boring meeting where people are not connecting and talking about matters that don't seem to be of real significance, one minute can seem like an hour.

How is that possible? 

I've recently come across some reading on the elasticity of time and even had an experience of it myself. What I understand this to mean is that, essentially, time can be flexible depending on the choices we make about how we use it.

When we're running on a tight schedule – from meeting to meeting – with barely a gap to go to the bathroom, any unexpected change to the schedule will catch us off-guard and put us in a rotten mood. In this case, we feel unable to make a choice to do what we really want to do for ourselves because we're just 'too busy' and 'there's no time'. Everything feels like it is just another thing that needs to be fitted in to an already overloaded schedule.

However, when we consciously stop our manic scheduling to take time to do something that is good for us and important for our wellbeing – something that feeds our soul – somehow, everything we need to do still gets done and at the same time we feel a whole lot better about ourselves in general.

I know that to those of you still running on hectic schedules with no breathing room, this sounds like poppycock! And the reason I know this is because I used to be one of you (and there are bits of that thinking that still remain, of course!) However, last week, when I decided to take a busy day and make sure that I prioritised the things I really wanted to do – yes, those things that if they didn't get done could wait another day, like writing my blog piece or visiting a sick friend – I found that miraculously, my urgent stuff still got done and I was in top form for the rest of the week. This pattern was reinforced every day, as long as I had the same mindset. Somehow, cancellations were like a gift to do more of the stuff I really wanted to do. My motivation and fulfilment levels were at a high. Rescheduling the cancellations happened easily and quickly. Man… I was amazed – still am! I'm sure there is no scientific explanation to this but it worked for me. I can tell a story from every day this last week where things constantly changed and manoeuvred in a way that helped me on this journey of experiencing time elasticity. No manic scheduling – just a whole lot of calm.

I'm just taking a step back and observing this new energy. It feels rather new and precious and long may it last... 

So bottom line – if you take the time to do the things you really want to do, the things that feed your soul, time will actually stretch for you.
 

Sounds wacky? I know… and I dare you to try it!

I am DONE!

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On a weekend retreat I attended recently we were asked to think about the question – who am I? and then to answer the question by completing the sentence – I am… in as many ways as we can think. The ‘obvious’ answers that came rolling off the tongue as I started the exercise were in terms of my various roles as wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, career-woman etc and then came some descriptive words and adjectives such as calm, happy, clever, funny, wacky and so on. Once I had gone through many of the descriptors that quickly rolled off my tongue, I found myself taking a moment to quiet my mind and allow words to flow without any logic and without a particular reason. I continued in this way, allowing the words to flow until my time was up.

One of the words that came through with this method was 'done' – I am done!

Upon reflection, this word really surprised me. I wasn't sure where it came from but it led me to ask myself – what are the areas where I feel I am done? 

Here are a few answers that I came up with for myself. I am done taking on work that I don’t really enjoy or want to do. I am done with superficial relationships that drain me. I am done giving permission to others to treat me in a way that puts me down. I am done making choices because I feel that I should rather than that I want to. I am done holding myself back because of what others may think about me. I am done with keeping busy for the sake of being busy. I am done with complicating things when they can be rather simple. I was amazed at how many things I could think of to be done with!

This line of thinking then led me to the question of choice – if I am done with those things, what are the possibilities that are open to me and so, what do I choose? That became quite easy to answer and got me thinking about even more things that I am free to choose. Some examples are… I choose to do work that allows me to contribute in a meaningful, fulfilling way. I choose to build relationships that are honest and allow me to be me. I choose to express myself in a way that brings who I truly am to the world. I choose to be busy with the things that I enjoy and bring fulfilment to my life.

That gave me pause… I could take a fresh look at the things that I just do without understanding quite why I do them and with the result that they make me feel miserable at least some of the time. How many of us are sitting with many things that we are tolerating just because they happen to take up space in our lives?

So now it is your turn…

What are you done with?

AND

What choices will you make as a result?

Who are the Five People you spend the most time with?

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I became intrigued when I heard the statement expressed by Jim Rohn, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

If we can look at the 5 people closest to us and say we are a reflection of this combined group, we need to ask ourselves, are we happy with what we are seeing?

This is a thought-provoking question. If we sit back for a moment and really think about the people we spend the most time with, we find that some people are on the list because we consciously choose to spend time with them and others happen to invade our time because of circumstances beyond our control.

This requires us to look at what choices we’re making regarding the people we spend time with and asking ourselves - are these people good for us?

Hopefully, we can say that at least 2 or 3 of the people on our list are people that we truly choose to be with – good friends and family members who are so good for us that we appreciate their presence as a gift from the universe. It is easy to see the gifts of care, kindness, love and support that they bring into our lives and we often wish we could spend even more time with them.

At the same time, many of us find ourselves in toxic relationships that we can’t seem to avoid – sometimes out of convenience and sometimes out of necessity. We may have an abusive boss that we need to put up with on a daily basis, landing him or her on the list of the top 5 people we spend time with. That needy family member that we can’t get rid of and is draining us of energy is another that may make our list. It’s important to notice that some of our friendships may be toxic as well, yet we keep going back for more. How often do we find ourselves putting up with a negative person, who saps us of energy so that every interaction leaves us feeling frustrated, angry or annoyed?

Often we feel that we don’t have a choice in this matter but the truth is that we always do. I’m not saying surround yourself with a bunch of ‘yes’ men (or women!) who make you feel good. But I am saying, ask yourself if the people you hang out with are good for you. ‘Good for you’ can mean people that disagree with you, challenge your thinking and provide alternative perspectives for you to see yourself. ‘Not good for you’ means people who demean you, suck all the life-force from you and demand so much of you that there is nothing left. You know what that means and you know who those people are! It’s really about asking yourself if you are making a conscious choice about who you spend time with or if you do it because they happen to be in your space. That choice is always in your hands.

A personal example of this for me was when I changed my career to become an executive coach. As I was doing the research and finding out how viable coaching is as a business, I came across many coaches who said, “keep your day job, you can’t make a living out of coaching”; “coaching is great as a hobby but not as a profession”; and my personal favourite, “what? An actuary leaving their career to be a coach? You must be mad! You earn the highest salaries as actuaries – don’t do it!” Of course all these people were well meaning and trying to give me a ‘realistic’ picture of what its like for coaches in the world of business. However, I was passionate about my career change and determined to make it a success so I began seeking out people who were working as full-time coaches and doing well. With this group of people, a very different picture emerged. Here I began hearing how it is possible to have a successful coaching business if you work hard at it; how the rewards of working in your passion are worth the effort. The spirit of abundance and sharing that I experienced with this group of coaches made me want to be a part of this world all the more. I began hearing success story after success story and consciously distanced myself from the naysayers… And it worked! After 6 years in a full-time coaching business, I can say that it is possible and it is worth it.

It’s easy to associate with a negative group and get sucked into the negativity. Or, we can make a choice to seek out the people who will give us the perspective we want to go for and keep at it!

We need both our supporters and our critics – the people who will encourage us no matter what and the people who make us challenge our own thinking, who offer different perspectives so that we can stretch ourselves even further. So make sure you are intentional about whom you choose to spend time – spend more time with those that bear gifts and less with those that drain us.

So… who are the 5 people you spend the most time with?

Simple but not EASY

It seems that a theme for the week in terms of my client coaching interactions was the concept of 'this is simple but not easy' or in other words 'we know this stuff but its really hard to do'. Often the things we need to work on within ourselves are things that we may already know yet find very difficult to do. Whether we need to change certain behaviours, build relationships or give hard feedback, there is always a part of ourselves that we need to stretch to a previously no-go zone in order to just do it. The action required is rarely complicated, yet it is often really, really hard. It is something that we need to push beyond our comfort zone to do and it challenges us to resist doing things the way we always do them.

A client recently shared his story with me about his experience of learning to play the drums. I’m a big believer in learning to play a musical instrument as an adult since it's an activity that allows you to integrate your left and right brain and to fully focus into a completely different zone than you’re used to. So as my client – let’s call him Sam – was describing the process of trying to get each of his four limbs to think and operate independently of each other and the mush that his brain felt like it was turning into, it struck me as a perfect metaphor. Admittedly, I’ve always held the belief that the drums would be an easy instrument to play if you have a basic sense of rhythm and when you consider that the actual action of playing is simple – use your hands and feet to tap out a rhythm. But, when you think of the brain activity that needs to occur in order to co-ordinate all the activities that are happening at the same time, you realise it is far from easy. The actual action may be simple, but the co-ordination and activity required is by no means easy. This is the exact situation Sam was describing in his story. An activity that he took for granted as simple, caused him to test his patience with himself as he learnt to master the new skill. However, with practice and patience, he learnt to make music!

This is a perfect metaphor for life – where we are constantly in a state of learning in order to develop ourselves. In life (and in leadership), it is clearly even more complicated than learning to play the drums because the results are not immediately identifiable and often intangible. However, the effort is worth it and the outcome is a success when it comes with practice and patience.

Once we open ourselves to stretch beyond the 'easy', to do that hard but simple thing, we also open ourselves to possibilities that we couldn't even dream of!

Do you believe in magic?

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As kids we believed in magic. We didn’t question the world of fairy tales, tooth fairies and the charming prince that saved the distressed damsel to live in everlasting happiness and prosperity. We watched magic shows and marvelled at how these things could possibly exist, believing every illusion, every disappearing bunny.

As we grew older, we become more cynical – ‘realistic’ we like to call it – but who’s to say there isn’t magic happening around us every day. Maybe it just depends on how we choose to see things, what we choose to focus on. 

I recently heard a story from a friend who was going through a really hard time. She had lost her job, was running out of money fast and at the same time running out of options. She felt as though her world was falling apart around her. One day, as she was driving back from yet another job interview, she had a car accident and although no-one was hurt, her car was written-off. She had neither insurance nor money to pay for a new car. In her state of anguish, losing the car that she was using to go job-hunting, she was desperate and did not know where to turn. She managed to get herself home and go to sleep. The next morning, a friend with whom she hadn’t been in touch for a long time – and not one who she considered close enough to ask for help –  phoned to tell her that she had just purchased a new car and would like to give her the old one, at no cost. This woman was floored – how could this have happened at this time and from such an unlikely source?

Co-incidence or magic?

A couple of weeks ago I participated in a webinar series with Martha Beck where we spoke about accessing the ‘technologies of magic’ as Martha calls it and she proceeded to lead us through a process of bending a spoon. While I didn’t manage to bend my spoon, picture upon picture of various types of cutlery, all bent and twisted into weird and wonderful shapes, began appearing on our group chats with excited, disbelieving comments accompanying them.

Illusion, trickery or magic?

When you happen to be thinking about someone and in the next moment the phone rings with this person on the other end of the line…

Luck or magic?

Maybe it really does depend on how we choose to view what happens to us… Perhaps if we begin to train our eyes and hearts to look for magic in every day, we will start believing again…

In Einstein’s words,

There are two ways to live our life: you can live as if nothing is a miracle or you can live as if everything is a miracle.

Which do you choose?

Before I die, I want to...

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Candy Chang’s TED talk on this topic is a powerful, inspiration must-see (link http://www.ted.com/talks/candy_chang_before_i_die_i_want_to.html ). Candy reflects on her experience of losing a loved one and how this allowed her to confront the idea of death without fear. She asked herself the question of what is it that she wants to do before she dies? And then went on to find out what her neighbours had to say about it.

Many of us have been confronted with death in some way – whether it was the loss of a loved one or a near death of our own. I know that my own brush with death, made me a lot less scared of the subject. I know I can speak about death in a way that often makes other people think I am a bit weird but actually… it is part of life. Heck, if facing death makes you want to live each day with more purpose and meaning, then I say it comes bearing gifts too.

Take a moment to think about it and complete the sentence:

Before I die, I want to…

Then make a plan to make it happen. Allow your real desires to be articulated, to be put out there and then take one step towards making it a reality.

So here is mine for today (and I believe this can change depending on your mood or time of day):

Before I die, I want to know that I have made a difference. I want to feel that I have touched lives and contributed to something that is bigger than myself. I want to travel the world and feel the joys of nature. I want to see my children happy!

I invite you to complete the sentence on this blog. Make it fun, make it serious, make it funny! As you wish. Come on… let’s create a movement!

Authenticity - The scarcest, most coveted resource

“The scarcest, most coveted resources aren’t high-tech machines or highly developed cities, but unspoilt places, people, objects, animals and experiences” – Martha Beck.

I’ve recently picked up Martha Beck’s book – Finding your way in a wild new world – for the second time and came across this statement that resonated with me strongly. I often feel so bombarded with information, gadgets, technology and things so where do I go when I want to take a break? I go to find the most natural, unspoilt natural place or experience to regroup and re-energise.

While reflecting on this, it also occurred to me that when we talk about being authentic, we are essentially talking about the exact same thing. In this world, we often need to be a certain way at work – call it professional; a slightly different way at home – call that supportive and caring; and  perhaps even another way with our friends or community – call it giving and sociable. Do we leave any room to ask ourselves, what do I want to do right now? Do I sometimes need a bit of space to be me – even if it's not particularly professional or especially caring? What if being supportive towards my own needs means that something will get left undone?

A friend shared with me her experience of buying a new cell phone. She researched it heavily as there were differing opinions between 2 main brands – who shall remain nameless for the purpose of the story – and be called brand A and brand B for now. Through googling various articles and comparisons relating to the phones’ features, speaking to people who owned one or the other brand and going into the shops and looking at each, she finally came to a decision that brand B would be the ‘right’ choice. An abundance of information, so readily accessible helped her to reach the ‘right’ conclusion. However, not once did she pause to think about – what do I want? What does my gut tell me is the right phone for me? She landed up disappointed with her choice because she gave little or no recognition to her authentic desire – regardless of features, research etc.

Because a huge amount of information is so readily available and accessible, we give more credence to what’s out there than what is inside ourselves.

Where is our unspoilt place, experience, self? This is a scarce and highly coveted resource and even if we haven’t connected to that idea yet, it is something to begin accessing a little more often.

For myself, I know that through an awareness of authenticity, I can get to be professional, care for others and give support but at the same time I also get to do and have some of that for myself. I get to ask – what do I want right now? I may not get it all the time but at least I get to ask.